Portocal Journey

They don’t know it hurts me so hard to hear what they said after my father’s death. His pain is stopped and if he were still alive, he needs to continue suffering the syndrome. It’s like they know what we had gone through, till the point no matter what the worst condition my father had been, we kept thinking those f*cking pains would be healed. It’s a sadly true confession and I’d tried my best to accept my father had passed away..

There were the times when I had some imaginations about my future. What kind of man I will marry with. How many grandchildren I’ll give to my parents. My future husband will drive the car on a family vacation and my youngest child will sit on my father’s lap in the front seat next to my husband. My child will call him Opung. I smiled every time I ended to imagine about that. And now when I try to recall what I always imagine about, I end by crying.

I’d also tried my best to live my life normally. But it’s too hard. Sometimes in the morning, I woke up with tears. What a blank life without you, father, I think. When I was on the way to anywhere, I remembered him. When I was waiting for my brother to pick me up in the bus stop, I remembered how he used to phone me every night based on my campus schedule, and waited me patiently not less then 15 minutes from my coming.

When I ride my motorbike zig-zag due to avoid the stones, I’ll remember the time when we pushed him to move his body so it won’t be stiff. He had been on his sofa for months. So riding me to the bus stop will be one of the exercise to his body movement. He tried his best. To ride the motorbike as good as possible because he did it like he could do it for days. It feared me, actually. He tried his best. To never care what people might think when they saw his skin condition.

And now I try my best. To never let my tears down in between my laughs among people I socialise with. To speak normally like I fully accept my father’s gone. To stop crying when every time to see his pictures on my phone. And to welcome my future without him.

Hello, Bloggie?

Ahh.. Long time no type, eh? I'm not that busy as I used to be in my first semester of campus life. But my laziness to type in here is raising to a new level. This second semester is not that tight. I can breath with no hard brick in my mind thinking that deadly assignments. Lols. I smile and even laugh a lot. Haha..

So what makes me sincerely spend my leisure, sit in front of this laptop typing other than my assignments and materials preparing for teaching? There is something in my mind. Something I can't tell anyone who actually will be a great adviser if I could find the right one. It is something I myself can't understand why there is such a condition like this one. It enthusiasts me to think that it will be a long writing because I can finally find the right rubbish to be a shoulder to cry on. Silly me I still can't explain it fully because I worry. I worry if will be read by people who will recognise me. Although it is impossible like one in a thousand stars in the sky. Lol. But I still want to make it as a memory worthy. So I can recollect it some times later. Hopefully these keywords will be success to remain me what it is about. 

I can't. At least I need to write about this girl with a cute name completely 

She is only one year younger than me. She came after more ore less four months of my coming. Teaching is so new for her but she did it passionately. From how mature she presented herself can lower your self-confident. At least it happened to me. She speaks organized words with a level of politeness from a person you think has graduated from a personality training. She is a humble girl with the sweetest smile I ever see. Her body language is so gentle. She has no acne and her skin is so fair! 

In my sight, the only minus she has is she is fatter than me 

She is a straight minded person. A very 'straight', actually. Till the level she thinks a wrong regulation in an institution is unacceptable. Hey! Ins-ti-tu-tion. Institution! A place  where your level is just two levels higher than the lowest one. Her insights tell her to fix the system maybe. Something considered as a fatal mistake for the people in authority.

She is fired unilaterally  I lost a new friend. A new good friend.

This short review about her is only an opening which will lead my mind later to think why is she fired? What is wrong regulation she wants to straight? Why is she alone? Why is she unaccepted?

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I become happier this semester in my school. Some of my favourite classes have come back from their field industrial practice. Now I can see their ridiculous joking but strangely make my day. They grumble for the assignments I give but keep finishing them in a very good way. They respect me in a sweet manner a young teacher always wishes 

Enough! Back to the topic. I miss you, Sissy.. It's something you've waited for so long. As well as us. Now you have your own family, in which now you are not a princess but a queen. You manage everything and parents' allowance and forbidden is not your priority anymore. And the biggest change is you move into your own home. Not in here, our home. Our; I and them exclude you :(

Everything is changing. This home is kinda quiet since you move. Except the fact that now the duty you used to do is being mine; do the laundry. This house is much different now. The atmosphere. The nagging we do in every morning just because you are so lelet while I am Miss On-Time. Argued for something trivial even fought because of that. But 30 minutes later we talk like nothing happen just because both of us focus on the same thing; the news about celebrity who get endorsement from her illness. Lol. And afternoon meatball time. Even when we try to repeat those whole things. Everything will be not the same.

January 9th 2015 was the date. Akad Nikah was held one day before on Friday. And the ceremony was on Saturday. I could not manage time to snap many photos. What else? It's we pay a photographer for. Lols. But there was another crucial reason actually. I was on a multiple function on that day. As the bride's sister and... servant -,-

The ceremony on Saturday was held in fully Simalungun ethnically way which I can't mention in order one by one and explain the philosophy behind it. Can't wait to get the photos so I can show you all how it will look. So pretty.. People from the both side of couple wore clothes in bright color. Especially our family side. As Bataknese we wear Ulos in any important occasion.

But, how long was I allowed to stand gracefully in my pink gown and heels with 7 cm in height? Not more than 1 hour! And the 6 hours ahead I had to throw my heel and replace it with the comfortable robber flat sandal. Need comfy sandal to walk all day long till the afternoon to check the people we ask to manage the foods for guests in the big kitchen and... everything. My parents are the main casts on that day. Can't be disturbed! And my face is the only one people recognise as the Main Family Member; who has the responsibility to be asked where's the rendang, need money to buy this and that, new guests didn't get enough space to sit and collect the dirty plates. It's wedding ceremony not party. It's held in our home.

The guests were so crowded. Happy to know people fulfil our invitation and so hectic and tired at once. No matter what, the life after the ceremony is the most important thing to think about. Enough I think. I have to return to my material for tomorrow before I transform my self into a young lady with 59-years-old-thought who knows nothing but advice something great theoretically but zero practically. Sok-sok bijak, gitu lah.

I think I'm not truly a kind of someone could be categorized as a true friend, for some of my friends. Even they are my closest ones. I don't know why this feeling is being bigger as the time flies. To make me as the righteous, I'll let my self to think that my friends started it from the first place. They show those attitudes so it's not my mistake to give the same as reward.

To make it simpler, one of them consider me as her rival. She blatantly shows this rivalry atmosphere between us last year. It's about a test to get a job. We applied to different companies! But it had the same regulations. Even information which can help your friend, which won't give you any bad effect, could be really hard to be done. Just because you think it's a competition. Who got job the first was the best, was the winner.

And this year it's happened again. Sadly I'm the one who had been announced for being failed. And she didn't. I mean not yet. *look how evil my mind is*. Just thinking she will pass the test (though her success in the test never give a single piece of reason in my failure) made my heart like boiling water in a sealed pan. Just like what my bro ever said jokingly, "which one is sadder? Look at your friend in trouble or she is luckier than you?" Lol..

Am I that bad?

No lah! I still have some friends I care of with the whole heart of mine. I congratulate them sincerely from the deepest of my heart. I support them in every decision they make and advise them with utterances which I produced by being a big wise thinker. Even if I know their success will be greater than I can achieve. Because they are not only friends for me but the Best ones of mine.

It'd happened for more than often. I'd envied people around me for so long already. I know. I'm insecure. I dunno what a great amount of bless God had and will give to me. A family; though problems (some are so tough to go through) love us so much. A higher education which I had planned since years ago but I still half believe I can achieve it. The opportunities which I had waited for approaching me for almost two years of waiting. More than enough love and laugh from and with the beloved people surround me. But, hey! I'm not a saint who will feel everything is ENOUGH. I'm a common human being. I dunno what Enough is.

Our beloved Prophet said that enough in the case of money is, when you can fulfill your needs from the sun rises till it sets, from the money you earn from that one day. But I want more. I want beautiful.dresses to wear. I tempt nice bags and delicious foods. Am I that sinner? Am I so?

Mommy said to me, I should not look at my self only. Look at the people who are being lower than me. Actually it's about the civil servant entrance exam in which I was failed at. My friend, a good friend of mine, passed the test and she will leave for a brand new life. Brand new future in her hometown where she will settle in a very good job. I envy! I'm happy for her. And precisely my happiness will be greater if I WERE in the same position as her. As the chosen.

I tried so hard to block my mind from thinking if only those 4 people who pass the exam unpredictably forget to check the website where it was officially announced or something (not till the point they got hurt) happened so the people under their names in the list up to replace them. What a f¥¥k!!! Shame on me!

This week will be one of the happiest moment for my parents. Our eldest sister will get married. Something they had waited patiently for long time. It will be the first wedding in our family. How my dad had tried his best to be healthy from being hospitalized two times in 2014. Just to welcome his daughter's dream comes true. I just think if I passed the test, my parents' happiness will be multiple.

I am a wise girl to friends in trouble. I advised them with care and sincere. I uttered the best words my brain can produce to make them sure if everything will be okay in the end. Like anon said, if it's not okay, it's not the end. But why are those pretty phrases not applicable to me? To my mind, exactly.

I know I'm foolish. I have a typical South East Asian girl eye size, kinda big eyes. But I can't see what a blissful life I have. Now I have an excuse to be more pathetic: I need a mirror to look at my self. And the mirror doesn't exist.

I do not want to be cursed. I want to reflect my self to others:

~ There are still some friends, some people I know, still can not earn money on their own. While I can! It's not a big amount of money I earn monthly but I rarely ask mommy just to fulfill my side needs.

~ Too many people are getting too many problems with their education. I can climb to higher level and some issues spread that started this year, postgraduate will be more 4 years to finish. I felt kinda late to apply to my postgraduate due to the higher cost fee than last year. But thinking the 4 years I will have to go through if I am late another one year kinda entertain me. But can I nag last once more (for this paragraph only), if I applied one year faster, I had been in the third semester and the cost is cheaper. *got kicked by Mt. Fuji*

~ My family is completely happy. Problems love us. But problems love everyone on this planet called Earth. They knocked every door and impolitely enter your life. Alhamdulillah, thanks God. He had kept us hundreds solutions for each problem. Just we can find them rightly or not. Every problem are solvable. It's only our decision to break it or just let it stay still.

~ I love my students. Do you know this feeling? Kids (they are teenagers, actually) from nowhere whom you acquainted with in a place called school. You and them introduced yourselves alternately. And the time flies. You realized how you hope the best come to each student you teach.

What I'm sad for? It's not shaming to say my self is a religious person. I believe in God has setted up the best future for me. For my family.

I super love Ce Vania's blog. It suits her blog title, her blog is about the delicious foods and their recipes and her cute family's adventure to visit various places in this country. She writes in English so well, like a native. She is so smart in arranging the words and make the sentences building a full blogpost chronologically. Her photography skill is like a pro. Every places can be an adventure for their family. Even they can snatch memorable moments from a traditional market, museums, any festivals and train station. She can make no matter what food it is, looks so yummy. A muddy traditional market can be looked an artsy photo by her hand. I follow her blog and enjoy her family's story. Since they got their first daughter, the second son, and now the children are in their pre-teens age. I follow their stories when they moved to stay in India, Malaysia and now they are in Indonesia. I am a fan!

 

 

Hey. He is the organizer of the 30 days blogging challenge. He's a Tiong Hoa blogger but so nationalist in my sight. I mean, the race issue is very sensitive case in this country. He is not too biased to any ethnicity. His writing can make me like looking directly what happen in his writing. He makes them in a very detailed way. He is so friendly to reply any comment in his posts and answer the questions not in a to-taste way. He even gave a patient answer when someone left, according to me, something inappropriate questionable. And now I like to follow his journey of studying in China.

She is a Malaysian blogger. I love to read her adventures of visiting various countries around the world and her writing skill to retail what had happened within her travels are very interesting. She is fashion blogger, too, I think. She has a unique taste in fashion, like her hair.

They are two blogs actually. Written by Dee for Kutudrama and Fanny for Kdramatized. They are partner in crime to write the full synopsis of Korean dramas. I am sure they are good at English, that's why their writings are very comfortable readable since the online-watching K-dramas give English subtitle.