They don’t know it hurts me so hard to hear what they said after my father’s death. His pain is stopped and if he were still alive, he needs to continue suffering the syndrome. It’s like they know what we had gone through, till the point no matter what the worst condition my father had been, we kept thinking those f*cking pains would be healed. It’s a sadly true confession and I’d tried my best to accept my father had passed away..
There were the times when I had some imaginations about my future. What kind of man I will marry with. How many grandchildren I’ll give to my parents. My future husband will drive the car on a family vacation and my youngest child will sit on my father’s lap in the front seat next to my husband. My child will call him Opung. I smiled every time I ended to imagine about that. And now when I try to recall what I always imagine about, I end by crying.
I’d also tried my best to live my life normally. But it’s too hard. Sometimes in the morning, I woke up with tears. What a blank life without you, father, I think. When I was on the way to anywhere, I remembered him. When I was waiting for my brother to pick me up in the bus stop, I remembered how he used to phone me every night based on my campus schedule, and waited me patiently not less then 15 minutes from my coming.
When I ride my motorbike zig-zag due to avoid the stones, I’ll remember the time when we pushed him to move his body so it won’t be stiff. He had been on his sofa for months. So riding me to the bus stop will be one of the exercise to his body movement. He tried his best. To ride the motorbike as good as possible because he did it like he could do it for days. It feared me, actually. He tried his best. To never care what people might think when they saw his skin condition.
And now I try my best. To never let my tears down in between my laughs among people I socialise with. To speak normally like I fully accept my father’s gone. To stop crying when every time to see his pictures on my phone. And to welcome my future without him.
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